I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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