i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
