All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize