the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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