why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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