You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
