Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
