I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
