are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
