so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
