it hurts more in the daytime
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
