his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
