On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
operation have a gay friend backfired
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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