It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
So here I am, sexting at work.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
