I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize