Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
