I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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