Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
why didn't you poke me back
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
