what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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