i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
