Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
