i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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