New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Sext me about skeletons
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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