You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
