When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
