Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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