At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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