Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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