sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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