what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
