it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
