Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
