based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
is that a dick in a sweater?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
