The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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