just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
