I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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