im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
