I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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