so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
