I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
