I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
