She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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