Betty ford says i'm here all night
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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