FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
