Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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