Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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