You smell like a Billy Joel song
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
whose parrot is this?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
