hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
