just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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