I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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