Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
