Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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