I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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