He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
