i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
