well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
