I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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