Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
