i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Vodka?
Forever.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
