You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
