Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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