I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
