Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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