I faked an abortion last night.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
