ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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