I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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