Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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