also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
