she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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