hotel room ftw
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
