I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
